Serenity's Diary

For people like us...forever has no meaning. It's a useless term, used only to exaggerate that which we already know. Mortals use the term so loosely, when they really have no idea just how long forever is. Immortals live their lives, knowing tomorrow is always there, and yet they waste their lives away. No ambition, no love (because our true love died with those from our mortal lives), and no last chances. To an immortal, second chances are always there, and we need not fear death. It's only the pain in our lives that counts. But if that's the case, why do we live out our lives doing such stupid things...causing ourselves pain over and over again? It's stupid. Like jumping into a pool of lava over and over again, just because you know that you'll survive. It's stupid to do such a thing, but that's essentially what we're doing. As undying beings, we surround ourselves with false love for those we know will die. And when we do find another immortal, we try to get close to them, even though we know that there's no compatability. Why...why do we do such ridiculous things?

(Dunno why, just thought I'd start keeping tabs on Ser's thoughts for the fun of it.)

It's been a while since I've last written...but, I had a vision, one of something truly horrifying to me. I can only hope it was a dream, but I know better than to place too much trust in hope. Dantes Black. Felix supposedly killed him a long while ago. I say supposedly because when I saw the man in my vision, he was very much alive. And the last time I'd seen Dantes Black...well, it's truly a time I'd rather forget. The man himself did not terrify me as much as what he'd caused Felix to become. For a good long time after that, I can say that I'd been afraid of Felix. That was the only point in time where I think I've actually understood why people outside the village call him a demon, a monster. Of course I never believed him to be a monster...I could never think that of him.

But...what do I do? Do I tell Felix I saw Dantes Black alive? And risk Felix becoming that again? What do I do, if that man shows up while my children are alive? I would never risk their lives, would never risk them being harmed. But would I be able to handle Dantes myself, without bringing Felix into it? I don't want our children seeing something like that of their father. Maybe I'm over thinking this, and maybe it was just a dream. But I'm not so sure. What should I do...?

(Inspiration)

There were many days back then when I thought I would never be able to continue if Felix ever left, or if something ever happened to him. If he ever moved on. I know he has people up there waiting for him, if there is such a place as "up there". I should be happy for him moving on, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't miss him.

Things are different now. I've been alone again for a century. Not long after Felix's death, I went to find Hunter, thinking that he might have returned to the Unknown after our last meeting, when we'd been given the news about Felix. He wasn't in the Unknown. I tried to find Silence, but he wouldn't show himself to me. I have Syndryl, of course, but...being with him is almost the same as being alone. He's a dragon, so he doesn't quite understand human emotions, even after all the time he's spent with me. I'd learned of his nature long ago, so that doesn't really bother me anymore.

What bothers me is how accustomed I've become to being alone in the world. But still, I know that it's the only way I'll ever live. Because no matter what happens, I am cursed, and even though it was nice to have Felix around for a few centuries, it should have been obvious to me that sometime he would have to go too. I'll be around until the earth breaks off into pieces and flies into the sun, or further off into space. And even then I'll be alive. Alive, and alone. Either burning eternally in the sun's fire, or drifting unendingly into the coldness of the universe. I once read a poem that goes

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

To be honest, I would rather not perish in a painful way. But if a century of agony would end my life...if that was the deal I would have to make to end it all, I might just accept it. When my soul was fading away that one time...when it was being pulled at both ends, by the curse and by the need to just disappear...I wanted it to stop so badly. But now I think perhaps I should have convinced Felix to leave me there. Maybe eventually the strain would have broken the curse. Maybe then I could have gone "up there" too...