A Way to Forget

Felix blinked as Kim explained. It wasn't the same thing, why couldn't he see that. Drinking didn't destroy brain cells, it wasn't illegal, and it didn't destroy your body with one use. Blue eyes a bit sympathetic he went to say something but Kim stood up. Felix watched him go to the door and followed. "Kim wait, will you just talk to me for a moment." He caught up with ease. "I know what it feels like to not forget," he admitted. "It sucks, it does. To know that every day you have to live with the decisions you made, no matter how many times you try to wash it away, knowing they'll come back. That's life, but it doesn't mean you have to resort to drugs. There's more to life than that."

Kim stopped walking when Felix caught up to him. "Then if you know what it's like, there's no reason you shouldn't understand," he spat. "It's easy for everyone else to forget, all they have to do is go to a bar and get wasted. The only amount of alcohol that could get me drunk would be enough to kill me." The blue haired mechanic crossed his arms and looked off to the side, brown eyes blazing. "It's not like I'd planned on using all the time. Jesus Felix, how stupid do you think I am?" He turned his gaze to the silver haired male, but kept his arms crossed. "There's more to life than..? You don't..." Kim stopped talking and shook his head. "Just leave me alone," he growled, starting out of the house. Uncrossing his arms, he looked at his hands for a moment while he walked before shoving them in his pockets. He mumbled as he walked. Felix was right though. Drugs weren't the answer. Still, Kim was losing everything and he had no way of stopping it.

Felix didn't go after Kim when the guy snapped. He was a bit surprised that Kim had snapped at all. Maybe he didn't quite understand it. He'd lived a long times and with the passing time he'd never ceased to forget some of the things that he'd done. His blue eyes became somber and for a moment he thought about completely leaving Kim alone. Maybe he should let the guy be. Kim was an adult, and apparently not stupid enough to abuse the drugs. He turned his back and started the other way. He wondered if he should tell Suki or not. Maybe not, she would be heartbroken.

Kim walked for a while, his steps bringing him to the gates of the Gears. Since the guards knew him on sight, it was easy to pass through. He just told them he'd be back later. He didn't know if he would be. He didn't know what he wanted to do. His footsteps led him up a mountain trail where, after nearly thirty minutes of walking, Kim found himself at the edge of a steep cliff. He put his hands in the pockets of his jacket and looked over the edge. It was a long drop down. The wind whipped at him relentlessly and he gave a sigh, sitting down with his legs hanging off the edge and his arms propping him up. The skies were fairly clear up here. There weren't even many clouds, though the air was crisp and chilly thanks to the wind.

Felix didn't feel right leaving Kim behind like that. He turned and followed after the male in silence, keeping a good distance between them. It wasn't hard to track the guy. It was only when they got to the mountain that Felix felt the need to close that distance. Was Kim about to jump? Felix froze in place, his heart skipping a beat as he waited. He let out a low sigh when the guy sat down instead. He wondered if he should go over there or not. Probably not, but then again, Kim was probably feeling some kind of way about him and Felix was sure it wasn't positive.

By this point in time, Kim was thinking relatively clearly. Despite that, he pulled out the little plastic packet in his pocket that contained a single cigarette, that was actually Gloss, and looked at it. He wanted to, he really did. Instead, he sighed and put it back in his pocket. Laying back, Kim crossed his arms behind his head and looked up at the sky, his brown eyes dull. "Do you think it would hurt, Felix," he called over the wind. "Falling from this height?" He didn't know if Felix had followed him, but something told him Felix just wasn't the type of guy to leave well enough alone. And if Felix hadn't followed him, it wasn't like he was making a fool out of himself by talking to thin air.

Felix hadn't been trying to hide when he followed Kim, but he didn't think he'd been noticed either. It was damn near unnerving when Kim spoke to him. Felix sighed and walked over to the guy. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I could test it out for you if you want," he told his friend. "But there's easier ways than jumping." Blue eyes were like endless orbs as he spoke. "Poison, drowning, pressure points, or severing the spinal cord." He shook his head slowly. "It doesn't hurt if you sever your spinal cord first. That way when you hit the bottom it doesn't hurt. You can't feel the snapping of your bones or the tearing of flesh or the feel of your lungs collapsing on themselves." He shrugged. "Or I can do it. I'll make it painless and another death on my hands won't really bother me. I've forgotten how many people I've killed, so you won't be the first, nor will you be the last."

Kim shook his head. "Don't be an idiot." Felix wouldn't survive a fall like that. And neither would he. "Severing the spinal cord...sounds too gory. I'll pass out from seeing the blood alone," he chuckled softly. "And poison and drowning are too slow, don'tcha think?" He didn't know anything about pressure points. Sounded like something only a ninja would know about. "If it were a headfirst jump, it wouldn't hurt too much, I think." He'd thought of using his guns before, and about how ironic it would be. The created killing the creator. A poetic tragedy. Kim, still laying on his back, turned his eyes to Felix when the guy offered to do it himself. "I wouldn't ask something like that of anyone." He then closed his eyes and listened to the wind for a few moments. He didn't know what to say. Didn't know if he wanted to tell Felix just why it was he was losing hope, and faith in his own life.

Felix grinned. It was one that Kim had had the luck of not witnessing. "I'm not being an idiot Kim. I could test that fall and live to tell about it." He looked over the edge. "I've fallen from a height like this before. A few years back actually. We were scouting in the skies and an enemy shinobi came in and knocked me and my teammates out the sky. The trees cushioned the fall, but the it didn't really stop the impact from hurting like hell." He shrugged. "Recovery was hell to pay as well." He then crossed his arms over his chest. He looked down at Kim. "Guess you're not as much of a coward as I thought you to be," he said. "Unlike me." He titled his head. "So, what you're problem, why are you thinking about this kind of thing anyway?"

"You can only get lucky so many times," Kim said, his eyes still closed. The wind had died down a bit. It was no longer gusty where they were, so he no longer had to shout over it. Of course, there was still small bits of wind because they were pretty high up, but that was to be expected. It was why he'd brought a jacket. The blue haired male grinned and opened his eyes at Felix's words. "You thought I was a coward?" he chuckled. Felix really didn't know a thing about him. Or maybe he knew him very well. Maybe it was Kim that didn't know himself. A pause. "You think you're a coward?" The mechanic's grin faded when Felix asked why he was even thinking about this. His eyes once more became dull, and he sat up, crossing his arms over his legs and looking over the mountains again. "Lotsa things, I guess." He shook his head and gave a small, almost inaudible laugh. "Lotsa little things that just keep piling up." He felt pathetic. If he'd really wanted to get away from this all, he would have jumped already. But instead he was sitting here talking to Felix about why he was considering it. How sad.

Felix didn't take a seat, he was too restless. Too lost in the sands of time to worry about something as petty as sitting. "I've never been one with much luck. My survival was a reminder of what I've become," he stated quietly. "I don't think you're a coward, I just wanted a bit of a response, but myself on the other hand, well, that's a different story." He shook his head. "I run from a lot of my problems, but I should know better by now that they catch up to me eventually." He shrugged lightly then smirked. "Lots of things huh? I've got time and so do you. Tell me."

Kim kept his gaze over the mountains in front of him, occasionally looking down the side of the cliff he was sitting on. He figured when Felix was talking about what he'd become, he was referring to his regret over the things he'd done when he'd been a ninja. He figured that Felix thought he was something less than human. "What do you mean. What you've become?" Kim fell silent when Felix said they both had plenty of time. He sighed and shook his head. Fine. There was no harm in talking, he guessed. Since he never cried or anything, it wasn't like he'd lose any pride over it. "Heh. Fine." He shrugged. "Fine." The blue haired mechanic took a breath and then let out another small sigh. "You already know about what happened with Jace," he started, his voice betraying a bit of sadness. "But...well...there've been more revolutionary groups popping up around the city lately. None of them have been in contact with me yet, but...well, they're gonna need arms eventually...and I'm fairly certain they'd..." Kim swallowed. "I'm fairly certain they'd go about it the same way Aussir did." There was a long pause. "I..." I'm also worried about Suki. She's getting older. I don't want to lose her. She's my best friend. That's what he wanted to say. But he didn't want to force Felix to think about that. "I...I-I can't build anymore."

Blue eyes closed. "I've become something that you can't possibly began to understand. The things I've done, the people I've met. It all weighs down on me, but after a while, feelings cease to exist. Without feelings, you can't possibly be human." He shrugged. "It's whatever though, I'm used to the numbness." He reopened his eyes. He could hear the hurt in Kim's voice when the guy spoke of Jace. The sympathy faded when Kim spoke of revolutionary groups. "Don't they ever quit," he asked with a sigh. "Regardless, you shouldn't have to worry about them, I've got your back. We're friends, right? Besides, you like building, so keep doing what you like. I'll keep you safe."

"You're still human Felix. No matter what you do, that won't change." Kim took a breath when Felix said he had his back, and that he should keep building. That he would keep him safe. He shook his head. "No...you don't get it," he said, his voice low and his eyes sad. "I...I literally can't build anymore," he told Felix, his voice cracking slightly as he looked down at his hands. "My hands...as soon as I start working, they start shaking. I can't even hold my guns for more than a few seconds before I lose feeling in them..." Kim dropped his hands onto his lap and looked down into the valley between the mountains.

If only you knew. Felix kept the words to himself. He looked to Kim as the guy spoke. His blue eyes flashed a bit when Kim explained. He raised a brow. You sure it's not just a side affect of the drugs.... "When did this start happening," he asked curiously. He glanced at Kim. "Have you talked to anyone about it? Maybe it's stress, but how should I know, I'm no doctor." He looked over the valley as well. That open place was where he wanted to be. Freedom was calling his name and yet he chose to stay here with Suki. He felt bad for thinking about it that way, but it was the truth.

"About a week ago," Kim answered truthfully, his gaze downcast. If this had happened two weeks ago, he wouldn't have been so affected by it, he was sure. He'd had Jace back then. He would have been fine with retiring. But it was different now. He was alone again. The blue haired mechanic shook his head and rested his hands in them. "No. I haven't talked to anyone about it," he said quietly. "Hey Felix...how old are you again..?" Kim didn't look up. Talking about it only made him feel like shit. But what else was he supposed to do? Jump off the cliff right in front of the guy? He wasn't that cruel. He just...he felt like he was losing everything. Or rather...if he waited any longer, he would.

Felix wasn't sure what could possibly be the cause of Kim not being capable of working. Stress was all he could come up with. Everything else was illogical or irrational. The silver haired shinobi turned his head when he was questioned on his age. "I'm old enough," he replied. "Why, you think you're getting old?"

Kim glanced to Felix when he said he was old enough. That wasn't what he'd meant, but...he shook his head and looked back over the cliff. "No. I'm still pretty young. I'm only twenty-two after all." He was quiet for a moment. "Just seems like everyone else is though," he said quietly. His eyes lightened a little, and while there was still the sadness in them, he smiled and looked at Felix. "You know, I'm going to start getting grey hairs if I keep this up. Then I'll end up looking like you before I'm even thirty," he joked softly.

Felix tilted his head. "I'm not getting old," he said with a smirk. Look at this face, anyone would think I was in my early twenties." Blue eyes shinned when he saw Kim smile. "Hey, I have silver hair, not grey. And if you get grey hair before thirty I'll never let you live it down, I swear I won't. I like your hair the way it is, so stop stressing yourself out," he said as he rolled over to Kim and gave him a light push. "Besides, we can't go around looking like twins." He ruffled Kim's hair. That's right, smile a little, it always makes a person feel better.

It would probably be a bit wrong to say that Kim was only smiling to reassure Felix. He was still depressed as hell, but he at least wanted Felix to think otherwise. "You have grey hair," he insisted lightly. "Ahah...you really wouldn't let me live it down." He could see Felix teasing him constantly about having grey hair. It was really hard for Kim to imagine what the future would be like nowadays, but small things like that were doable. "Hey hey now, don't push me, I'm on the edge of a cliff," he joked with a small smile. "Please. We wouldn't look like twins. My face looks nothing like yours. I'm much more handsome." It sometimes hurt, to know that he could act so well in order to deceive friends. And Felix was his friend. He was a really good friend. Which was why he felt so bad about the guy having seen him high and then depressed. Kim put his thumbs in his pants pockets, just so that with the one he could feel over the plastic bag that contained what was left of the Gloss. Felix probably didn't know that he had it on him, which was for the better. Honestly, he was probably going to use the rest of it later.

(This makes me sad.)

Felix didn't know if Kim was lying or not. He didn't really care to think about it. He just saw the smile and figured the guy was okay after talking. "Silver. It's always been silver and always will be." He then laid on his back and looked up at the sky. "I wouldn't let you fall off the cliff. I'm too nice for that," he mused. "And you sir do not have a better face than I. What delusional person put that obviously false statement in your brain?" He raised a brow as he awaited the answer.

(TT_TT)

"It's grey," Kim said again. He watched Felix lay down and leaned forward, crossing his arms over his lap. There was a lot he wanted to tell Felix. There was a lot he wanted to tell Suki. He wanted to write a song for her, and be able to play it for her. It wasn't only his work that was affected by whatever was happening with his hands. He couldn't play music either. His hands would either freeze up or jerk forward when he tried to play guitar, and it was similar with the keyboard. "Hmhm, I hope not. What would we tell Suki?" Maybe he wanted to write a song for Felix too. It was the best way he could express himself. He wondered if he could manage to write a letter instead. Or even notes on a page. If he could get the notes down, maybe it would be okay. Then Suki could play it on her violin. "False? It's completely true. I have a far better face than you," he nodded. "You may be good looking, but no one can resist my charm."

"Silver. End of discussion." He closed his eyes for a brief moment and then sighed. "I don't know. Maybe that you slipped." He shrugged a bit awkwardly and then looked at Kim. "Your charm? What charm? You're just an ordinary mechanic, I'm an awesome ninja. I win automatically," he said with a small chuckle. Felix liked this, just being able to talk. He could listen all day to Kim talk. Maybe the guy should just tell him everything, but he wasn't going to push it. He didn't like to talk either, so he understood.

"Grey." That's right, Kim was going to keep pressing it, even though Felix said end of discussion. "You don't get to end the discussion. That decision is out of your jurisdiction." Now he was just being strange, which was like Kim in many ways. "Ordinary? Who you callin ordinary?" he asked, turning his head to look at the silver haired ninja. "I'm an amazing mechanic." Was, he reminded himself. "You're just an ordinary ninja. Therefore I win. I have far more charm than you as well. So there."

"You speak lies. Get your butt out of denial and see that I am way more amazing than you. I mean, come on Kim, look at this face. Angels fall from heaven just to get piece of me." He decided to let it go with the silver or grey thing for the moment. It was too much work to argue about hair color. "And you are ordinary. I'm not a plain ninja. I am not only the fastest ninja in the region and probably the world, I'm damn near unstoppable." He took a bit of pride in that. He knew it was because of his immortality, but who cared. He stilled worked his as off to be a great ninja.